Mockneys

This post was originally published in 2006 and was lost when my disk crashed.

The Metropolitan Police, Linguistics Division are today on the hunt for a number of dangerous criminals. Raids are expected all over London as the Police crack down on the fake accents of celebrities. Suspects include:

• Vernon Kay for his attempts to convince people he really is from Bolton.
  
• Jamie Oliver for his mockney twitter.
  
• Russell Brand for his Elizabethan tone which leaves the young women he bogarts* in a dazed and confused state.
  
• and finally Sir Alan Sugar who is alleged to have use voice enhancing drugs during filming of The Apprentice to ensure his accent is as cockney as the day he first started out selling shoe laces on the streets of Hackney.
  

*bogart (verb) To keep something all for oneself, thus depriving anyone else of having any. The act of persuing a woman through charm, sharp suits and expensive dinners.